Tonight, I plan to have my last cigarette ever. Every attempt in the past has failed (not counting pregnancies). This time HAS to be different. I need to find a way to be successful, so I am creating a blog documenting my efforts. So, I am going to write down all of my thoughts, struggles, feelings, and emotions during this time as one more line of defense against my failure. Why am I sharing this with you? I need your help. I need you to help keep me accountable. Ask me if I have smoked...give me support and encouragement for sticking with it. Yell at me if I slip. Send me links of really scary statistics, whatever. Just please don't do it publicly (aka facebook) there are still some people I have hid my smoking from.
Somehow I think if I involve others I will be held accountable to someone other than myself, and may actually be able to do it this time. If I have sent you this link, I consider you an important part of my life, my support system, so thank you in advance for your help.
History:
I began smoking (regularly) when I was 15. I was actually at a church youth group meeting when some older girls asked me if I smoked. I said something lame like "Well, I used to but I quit". I know it sounds cliche, but I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be cool. I had smoked a few cigarettes before, but didn't really care much about them. I went out back with these girls (one who became my best friend for many years) and had my first of many cigarettes. I remember feeling glamorous, cool, chic....
I hid my smoking from everyone, my parents, my family, my other friends. I had a job, so I used to buy them from people at school, friend's sisters, etc. I eventually found a gas station that would sell them to me and that made it so much easier.
In your adolescence, things change all the time...you graduate, go to college, date different people, move to different apartments. Through it all, the one consistency for me was smoking. Anytime I was stressed out, hungry, tired, angry, hurt...the first thing I would do would be to light a cigarette, and instantly, I was calmed. Every time I broke up with a boyfriend, had a fight with someone, lost someone I loved, finished a big task, I light up a smoke.
Some people who smoke hate it...detest themselves every time they light up. That has never been me. I love smoking. I love everything about it. That first morning cigarette is the only thing that wakes me up and gets me ready for my day. After meals I rush out the door to light up. Before bed, I sit outside on the porch with my husband as we enjoy our last cigarette of the night.
After 12 years, quitting smoking is like saying goodbye to a 12 year relationship, longer than any one I have ever had. Cigarettes are something I have counted on, has always been there, and smoking is as natural as breathing for me. It almost brings me to tears that this WILL be my last cigarette here in a few minutes. So, why, do you ask me, is tomorrow the day?
WHY?
Yes, we all know smoking is bad for you. Duh. I always knew that, and yet, somehow in adolescence we all feel invincible. Bad things aren't going to happen to me, I can drive to fast and make poor decisions because I am young..it won't happen to me...
I am not young anymore. I have responsibilities outside of myself. I have two beautiful, perfect little boys that count on me to be their mom, to be there for them, to be alive.
I am selfish. I read somewhere that every cigarette takes 5 minutes off your life. If that's true, then in 12 years I could have robbed myself of the opportunity to see my kids grow, to meet my grandchildren, to spend time with my husband and loved ones. I was stupid for a lot of years, and now is time to think of what is important.
This life is short. Too short. I am more aware of my own mortality each day. It scares me. I try to block it out of my mind, but sometimes it hits me out of nowhere as I am mopping the floor and I am reduced to tears. Nobody likes to talk about it. We all try not to think about it. If we did, we would be reduced to weeping wrecks unable to live our life knowing that everyone around us that we love is going to die, or we are going to die. The thought if it is almost paralyzing. But I want to talk about it. I need to say this outloud: IF I KEEP SMOKING, I AM GOING TO DIE SOONER. That is not an opinion, it is a fact. I want live as long as possible. I plan to be that crazy old cat lady with a million cats in a smelly house that kids dare eachother to knock on my door and tell stories about on halloween. How am I going to accomplish that life goal if I die from lung cancer? So, now that I know that I have to quit, and I want to quit, how will I accomplish that? :-)
HOW:
Step 1: Commit to a healthier lifestyle in general:
Last week, I began trying to get 7-8 hours of sleep. That has been going well, I feel more balanced, more energized, more productive.
Step 2: Exercise
I have never been one to exercise. We joined a gym today. We figured that we spent $200 a month on cigarettes. We are spending $110 a month on this gym (which is super awesome by the way). We have eliminated our budget for cigarettes, we really can't afford both, and I have already paid for two months at the gym, so that should be a factor as well.
Step 3: Do it together
Jamie and I are going to do this together. Without killing eachother. How? Hmm...has been REALLY tough on us in the past. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.
Step 4: Mind over matter
I have been doing a little reading about how much effect the mind has over your body. I truly believe it. I have been working on using positive thinking, visualization, and other things to practice mind over body control.
Step 5: Make it public
I am telling you. I am now accountable to someone other than myself about this. This makes it much harder if I choose to slip and I disappoint others and not just myself.
Step 6: Elimination of alcohol
I am going to limit my alcohol intake to only weekends and in moderation, because that is so much our habit at night. They go together like peas and carrots :-)
Step 7: Change it up
I have got to get out of my routine, substitute other rewards for cigarettes (AND NOT FOOD), do something different than the usual routine.
Cold Turkey. Tomorrow is the day. I am going to go outside now to say goodbye to my old friend (and cry a little...that is SO FREAKING PATHETIC...but to those of you who smoke, I know you understand). Mind over body, I am going to do this.
Thank you for reading this much. I didn't really intend to write this much, but I guess it's all part of the process, and I hope it somehow helps me achieve my goal.
NOT ANOTHER CIGARETTE EVER
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